Will you be recording our next meeting? I suggest learning how to slip a bug into someone's pocket if so. You get better sound quality. They even make waterproof ones now.
[ Well, he wasn't wondering about that before, but it's just an extension of his thoughts. ]
Noted. However, it's unfortunate you didn't notice the one I was using right in front of your face.
What a shame.
[He lets the conversation die. Goes to get a little drink. Harmony. Peace. The follow-up a few minutes after he finished his tea.].
Just kidding. Recording you would be meaningless. No offense, of course. I always enjoy our conversations when we're able to have them. Your perception and view on the world is quite unique.
[ He would have noticed, so he's not pressed... Though then again, nothing really phases him. ]
I see. You're right. It would be a waste of your time.
There's no need to continue to disclaimer. There's little you can say that I haven't heard before, and even left if it's something meant to be offensive.
It was just a little joke on my part. Don't think anything of it.
Something you should be trying to find, hmm... I don't think so. Is there something you want to know? Do you want to know about The Complete Suicide? I've read it at least a dozen times. Or maybe the last child I knew who committed severe crimes? I took responsibility like a good boy. Or my measurements? That's a secret.
Akechi is spared from additional insane questions only by asking a far more boring one. ]
I didn't set out to become a detective specifically. It didn't matter what it was as long as it was a place where I could help people. Actually, it only happened because I caught the Home Affairs Ministry at a cheap bar. I joined at his suggestion.
I had a friend tell me to be on the side that saves people. I couldn't do that where I was.
And you didn't want to be on that side before? It took another to teach you such a thing?
I suppose it's difficult to contend with the darker parts of humanity and recognize the pursuit of justice, and saving those who need it, always take priority.
Not quite. I have always been perfectly sane and rational. I've always known that saving people was right and killing them was wrong. I knew how vile my actions were.
It didn't matter to me which side I was on. I wasn't planning on choosing one. I wound up where I was by coincidence, but I was looking for something else entirely.
[ It still doesn't matter to him. Both sides are the same to him. He's as empty saving people as he was killing them. He knows that he can no longer find that something, because it's already gone from this world.
No, I already had all of that by time I was sixteen. I could have had more, but it still doesn't mean anything to me. It wasn't death either. It was more nebulous than that.
Have you ever known you wanted something, but not known exactly what it is? You search for it because you'll now it when you see it, but until then you can't say what it is. It's that sort of thing.
I thought that if I could find that "something," I would find a reason to live too.
[ Death wasn't on the list, but he strikes it off the list out of some sense of self-awareness. He could die anytime, but he can't; there's some sense of self-preservation that chains him down, some hope that he'll find that vague something that will make him give up on the idea of dying. It's gone, but it might exist. It's all over, but they say a person can find something else to rely on.
He had it, he lost it, he has it; Dazai can no longer die here. But it's fleeting. His will to live comes and goes; it rises and crashes like a wave in the ocean, returning to the sea as quickly as it formed. ]
I can't say I'm familiar with that mindset. My goals have always been attainable, within reach and known to me.
You're still quite young - there's an entire reality at your disposal with many 'somethings' to seek.
Though I can't understand your sentiment in whole, I do sympathize with a desire to find a driving force in your life. I do hope you manage that someday.
It would be just as frustrating to always fail as it would be to always succeed, so I'd want a goal I could always think I was making progress toward.
The dead can't feel happiness any more than they can anything else. But the reason a person wants to die is never because they're incapable of happiness. In fact, I'm sure from any normal person's perspective I live a good life.
[ Well, except for all the trauma, near death experiences, etc. ]
That wouldn't be possible for me. I'm a bad liar and I don't do well with lots of rules, so I couldn't stay on message. How do you do it, Akechi-kun? You're a celebrity, right?
You're an intelligent man, Dazai-san. Once you saw the value of such a thing, you would adapt to the circumstances. Often, saying nothing at all is the correct choice.
And I am - a minor one with minimal PR at my disposal, but enough to where I'm guided down the correct path. Of course, I still stick to my values and morals despite it. There's minimal lying involved. It's simply about appealing to a larger audience.
Is there any value to it outside of people liking you? But even if people like you, that doesn't mean that you matter to them or society as a whole.
The people who like me value me about the same amount as the ones who don't and my character isn't what makes me a valuable commodity back home. As long as I can fall in line when I need to, the rest doesn't matter.
There is, despite that. I won't disagree with you.
Perception is power. Power allows you to get things done. If the masses support you, then you're able to accomplish more than as an unknown person. A forgotten one.
But perhaps that sort of thing is irrelevant in your world. If like and dislike don't matter and they value you the same - I imagine there's little you can't accomplish with a life like that.
No, I would say that it's the same as yours. I don't have any motivation to change the world or control large swaths of it, but if I did then I would rather have the ear of a person or a small group of people than any forward facing position.
Right now it's as you said: I have countless options. I have the freedom to create and pursue my own goals as I please.
Effective leadership comes with too many constraints. It's a ball and chain.
Your perspective isn't untrue. Given the difference in our positions and what we're trying to achieve, it makes sense our views would deviate in this way.
Though even I have to agree, at times, it would be better to have the ear of a singular person you could speak with freely, over thousands of those you can't - no matter what accolades come with the latter.
I'd like to discuss this with you again sometime, if you're willing.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ Well, he wasn't wondering about that before, but it's just an extension of his thoughts. ]
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What a shame.
[He lets the conversation die. Goes to get a little drink. Harmony. Peace. The follow-up a few minutes after he finished his tea.].
Just kidding. Recording you would be meaningless. No offense, of course. I always enjoy our conversations when we're able to have them. Your perception and view on the world is quite unique.
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I see. You're right. It would be a waste of your time.
There's no need to continue to disclaimer. There's little you can say that I haven't heard before, and even left if it's something meant to be offensive.
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If I may - why did you think I would want to record you? Is there something I should be trying to find?
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Something you should be trying to find, hmm... I don't think so. Is there something you want to know? Do you want to know about The Complete Suicide? I've read it at least a dozen times. Or maybe the last child I knew who committed severe crimes? I took responsibility like a good boy. Or my measurements? That's a secret.
[ yeah ]
cw: suicide
The casual mention of suicide is always
infuriating.
The man himself a bleak stain on his life, even if he is mildly interesting.]None of the above - thank you.
Though I do have a question. One I've been meaning to ask since I met you at that lake - what made you want to become a detective?
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Akechi is spared from additional insane questions only by asking a far more boring one. ]
I didn't set out to become a detective specifically. It didn't matter what it was as long as it was a place where I could help people. Actually, it only happened because I caught the Home Affairs Ministry at a cheap bar. I joined at his suggestion.
I had a friend tell me to be on the side that saves people. I couldn't do that where I was.
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I suppose it's difficult to contend with the darker parts of humanity and recognize the pursuit of justice, and saving those who need it, always take priority.
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It didn't matter to me which side I was on. I wasn't planning on choosing one. I wound up where I was by coincidence, but I was looking for something else entirely.
[ It still doesn't matter to him. Both sides are the same to him. He's as empty saving people as he was killing them. He knows that he can no longer find that something, because it's already gone from this world.
This is just a little more beautiful. ]
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Fame? Fortune? Powerful favors? Or something else entirely?
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Have you ever known you wanted something, but not known exactly what it is? You search for it because you'll now it when you see it, but until then you can't say what it is. It's that sort of thing.
I thought that if I could find that "something," I would find a reason to live too.
[ Death wasn't on the list, but he strikes it off the list out of some sense of self-awareness. He could die anytime, but he can't; there's some sense of self-preservation that chains him down, some hope that he'll find that vague something that will make him give up on the idea of dying. It's gone, but it might exist. It's all over, but they say a person can find something else to rely on.
He had it, he lost it, he has it; Dazai can no longer die here. But it's fleeting. His will to live comes and goes; it rises and crashes like a wave in the ocean, returning to the sea as quickly as it formed. ]
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You're still quite young - there's an entire reality at your disposal with many 'somethings' to seek.
Though I can't understand your sentiment in whole, I do sympathize with a desire to find a driving force in your life. I do hope you manage that someday.
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Is it better to aimlessly seek out an untouchable goal, constantly rising to it and plummeting to the ground in failure, just to stay alive?
Or is it better to live a focused life where you will attain true happiness by grabbing what you seek, no matter how soon or late in life that is?
Philosophers have asked such questions over the years. It's dependent on the person.
The question I have is - for a man who seeks death so adamantly, would either option really make you happy?
cw: suicide mention
The dead can't feel happiness any more than they can anything else. But the reason a person wants to die is never because they're incapable of happiness. In fact, I'm sure from any normal person's perspective I live a good life.
[ Well, except for all the trauma, near death experiences, etc. ]
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I wonder how many in your reality resent you for such an outlook, though I'm sure such things don't matter to you.
Regardless, I hope you find whatever you seek in this reality and your own.
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They don't. That's theIt matters, but I can't do much about a person who's already made up their mind about me.I'm sure that I will.
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I'm kidding, of course.
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And I am - a minor one with minimal PR at my disposal, but enough to where I'm guided down the correct path. Of course, I still stick to my values and morals despite it. There's minimal lying involved. It's simply about appealing to a larger audience.
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The people who like me value me about the same amount as the ones who don't and my character isn't what makes me a valuable commodity back home. As long as I can fall in line when I need to, the rest doesn't matter.
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Perception is power. Power allows you to get things done. If the masses support you, then you're able to accomplish more than as an unknown person. A forgotten one.
But perhaps that sort of thing is irrelevant in your world. If like and dislike don't matter and they value you the same - I imagine there's little you can't accomplish with a life like that.
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Right now it's as you said: I have countless options. I have the freedom to create and pursue my own goals as I please.
Effective leadership comes with too many constraints. It's a ball and chain.
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Though even I have to agree, at times, it would be better to have the ear of a singular person you could speak with freely, over thousands of those you can't - no matter what accolades come with the latter.
I'd like to discuss this with you again sometime, if you're willing.
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