No, I already had all of that by time I was sixteen. I could have had more, but it still doesn't mean anything to me. It wasn't death either. It was more nebulous than that.
Have you ever known you wanted something, but not known exactly what it is? You search for it because you'll now it when you see it, but until then you can't say what it is. It's that sort of thing.
I thought that if I could find that "something," I would find a reason to live too.
[ Death wasn't on the list, but he strikes it off the list out of some sense of self-awareness. He could die anytime, but he can't; there's some sense of self-preservation that chains him down, some hope that he'll find that vague something that will make him give up on the idea of dying. It's gone, but it might exist. It's all over, but they say a person can find something else to rely on.
He had it, he lost it, he has it; Dazai can no longer die here. But it's fleeting. His will to live comes and goes; it rises and crashes like a wave in the ocean, returning to the sea as quickly as it formed. ]
I can't say I'm familiar with that mindset. My goals have always been attainable, within reach and known to me.
You're still quite young - there's an entire reality at your disposal with many 'somethings' to seek.
Though I can't understand your sentiment in whole, I do sympathize with a desire to find a driving force in your life. I do hope you manage that someday.
It would be just as frustrating to always fail as it would be to always succeed, so I'd want a goal I could always think I was making progress toward.
The dead can't feel happiness any more than they can anything else. But the reason a person wants to die is never because they're incapable of happiness. In fact, I'm sure from any normal person's perspective I live a good life.
[ Well, except for all the trauma, near death experiences, etc. ]
That wouldn't be possible for me. I'm a bad liar and I don't do well with lots of rules, so I couldn't stay on message. How do you do it, Akechi-kun? You're a celebrity, right?
You're an intelligent man, Dazai-san. Once you saw the value of such a thing, you would adapt to the circumstances. Often, saying nothing at all is the correct choice.
And I am - a minor one with minimal PR at my disposal, but enough to where I'm guided down the correct path. Of course, I still stick to my values and morals despite it. There's minimal lying involved. It's simply about appealing to a larger audience.
Is there any value to it outside of people liking you? But even if people like you, that doesn't mean that you matter to them or society as a whole.
The people who like me value me about the same amount as the ones who don't and my character isn't what makes me a valuable commodity back home. As long as I can fall in line when I need to, the rest doesn't matter.
There is, despite that. I won't disagree with you.
Perception is power. Power allows you to get things done. If the masses support you, then you're able to accomplish more than as an unknown person. A forgotten one.
But perhaps that sort of thing is irrelevant in your world. If like and dislike don't matter and they value you the same - I imagine there's little you can't accomplish with a life like that.
No, I would say that it's the same as yours. I don't have any motivation to change the world or control large swaths of it, but if I did then I would rather have the ear of a person or a small group of people than any forward facing position.
Right now it's as you said: I have countless options. I have the freedom to create and pursue my own goals as I please.
Effective leadership comes with too many constraints. It's a ball and chain.
Your perspective isn't untrue. Given the difference in our positions and what we're trying to achieve, it makes sense our views would deviate in this way.
Though even I have to agree, at times, it would be better to have the ear of a singular person you could speak with freely, over thousands of those you can't - no matter what accolades come with the latter.
I'd like to discuss this with you again sometime, if you're willing.
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Have you ever known you wanted something, but not known exactly what it is? You search for it because you'll now it when you see it, but until then you can't say what it is. It's that sort of thing.
I thought that if I could find that "something," I would find a reason to live too.
[ Death wasn't on the list, but he strikes it off the list out of some sense of self-awareness. He could die anytime, but he can't; there's some sense of self-preservation that chains him down, some hope that he'll find that vague something that will make him give up on the idea of dying. It's gone, but it might exist. It's all over, but they say a person can find something else to rely on.
He had it, he lost it, he has it; Dazai can no longer die here. But it's fleeting. His will to live comes and goes; it rises and crashes like a wave in the ocean, returning to the sea as quickly as it formed. ]
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You're still quite young - there's an entire reality at your disposal with many 'somethings' to seek.
Though I can't understand your sentiment in whole, I do sympathize with a desire to find a driving force in your life. I do hope you manage that someday.
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Is it better to aimlessly seek out an untouchable goal, constantly rising to it and plummeting to the ground in failure, just to stay alive?
Or is it better to live a focused life where you will attain true happiness by grabbing what you seek, no matter how soon or late in life that is?
Philosophers have asked such questions over the years. It's dependent on the person.
The question I have is - for a man who seeks death so adamantly, would either option really make you happy?
cw: suicide mention
The dead can't feel happiness any more than they can anything else. But the reason a person wants to die is never because they're incapable of happiness. In fact, I'm sure from any normal person's perspective I live a good life.
[ Well, except for all the trauma, near death experiences, etc. ]
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I wonder how many in your reality resent you for such an outlook, though I'm sure such things don't matter to you.
Regardless, I hope you find whatever you seek in this reality and your own.
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They don't. That's theIt matters, but I can't do much about a person who's already made up their mind about me.I'm sure that I will.
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I'm kidding, of course.
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And I am - a minor one with minimal PR at my disposal, but enough to where I'm guided down the correct path. Of course, I still stick to my values and morals despite it. There's minimal lying involved. It's simply about appealing to a larger audience.
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The people who like me value me about the same amount as the ones who don't and my character isn't what makes me a valuable commodity back home. As long as I can fall in line when I need to, the rest doesn't matter.
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Perception is power. Power allows you to get things done. If the masses support you, then you're able to accomplish more than as an unknown person. A forgotten one.
But perhaps that sort of thing is irrelevant in your world. If like and dislike don't matter and they value you the same - I imagine there's little you can't accomplish with a life like that.
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Right now it's as you said: I have countless options. I have the freedom to create and pursue my own goals as I please.
Effective leadership comes with too many constraints. It's a ball and chain.
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Though even I have to agree, at times, it would be better to have the ear of a singular person you could speak with freely, over thousands of those you can't - no matter what accolades come with the latter.
I'd like to discuss this with you again sometime, if you're willing.
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I would be glad to speak on it more. Perhaps over coffee?
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The cafe in town makes a decent cup, though I prefer Maruki-san's in comparison.
I'll bring that to our meet up and we can talk somewhere that allows for more privacy.
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It's obvious what he means, but the wording on that is kind of... ]
Thank you. I look forward to trying it the next time we meet.