[ That rage, when directed appropriately, is a tool. But the kneejerk reactions– those are a problem.
Head tipped to the other side. Biiiiiig stretch. ]
Don't worry. She assured me that it wasn't supernatural in nature, so it was fine to destroy. I didn't bother pointing out that she had no way to verify the nature of the item at all. I had to pick my battles.
The item received after making a wish at a gigantic crystal ball at the center of a town ruled by someone holed up in an ivory tower, who brings us our requests through unknown means? That item isn't supernatural, she claimed?
[Right. Of course.
He moves his legs off the couch - sits up to give Maruki space if he wants to enjoy a nice Big Sit.]
There's no sense in dwelling on it - that won't bring it back. The next time anyone gets an item like that, we can make efforts to secure it appropriately.
[ At the questions, Maruki opens his eyes, wide behind his glasses with his brows raised – not in shock or surprise, but in an expression of I know, right? Can you believe this shit?
He unfolds his arms to hold both hands out in front of him, palms up. A silent gesture of See? You get it.
And then his hands slap down against his sides as he drops his arms and does indeed join Akechi for a Big Sit. ]
I did suggest that she try making the same wish again to see what results it produces. I don't have much hope, but she agreed to give me the photo if she receives another one. But yes, going forward, we ought to do that. Or at the very least, teach people how to properly handle evidence.
[Solidarity, my dude. For once, they're 100% on the same page - brought together by a deviant teenager with a chip on her shoulder.
Oh Aubrey.
He slouches forward and refuses to meet Maruki's eyes at last comment.]
I'm not suited for teaching. I've told you this, however-
[This cannot happen again. The odds of them getting a second picture is minimal. The ratios skew worse the more he thinks about it - a complete duplicate out of the question. Copies bring their own set of problems.]
This is a special situation and once I get my thoughts sorted on the matter, I'll provide instruction to some.
[Aubrey. Eren. Izutsumi, maybe.
A long pause. He still doesn't meet Maruki's gaze and-]
For the record, I also have a piece of potential evidence in my room. I got it the first week or so I arrived here.
[The second piece? Lost to the fuckin ocean. Maruki doesn't need to know that.]
And I've told you that I think you're a fairly good teacher. I stand by that.
[ He really does. Even when Akechi isn't faking nice, he's clear in his instructions and skilled at observing what a person needs to work on. Maruki has trained enough with him to know this very well. He's even strangely encouraging, if someone truly puts in the work.
Of course, a lecture on proper evidence handling is different than that, but the point stands. It needed to be said. But more importantly– ]
Also– Is that so?
[ It's fine. He mirrors Akechi in the opposite direction, slouching back into the plush cushions, no less irritated by the day's events but relaxed and curious. ]
[Akechi brushes off the encouragement with a small exhale. Incredible this is what his life has come to.
But now -
He has to explain the pants.]
I did my own experiment when I arrived. I asked the crystal for information on Vaeros, given no one else had attempted to do so to my knowledge. Naturally, I was expecting nothing. It was to check off a box, so to speak.
[BUT HE GOT SOMETHING. THREE SOMETHINGS.]
However - I received a pair of pants and hand drawn picture directing me to the library.
[Picture? Long gone. Codpiece? Dead to him. Pants? Nearly given to Li Lianhua's dog, before Akechi decided to add him to his metaphorical Loathe List.]
The implication being that the pants belonged to him.
Akechi throws up an irritated hand in a dramatic display of displeasure, before leaning back against the couch.]
Nothing about either situation has bothered me. Lucky or not, the fact is we are receiving items from those in control. Given how ridiculous they are, it's obvious we're being toyed with. That is the maddening part.
No, but we can assume others have. Aubrey received a token at random. I got one simply by asking. Whether those who received items are still in this reality or not is another story.
[Or they are and don't have a clue what to do with it. Don't trust others to handle it. There are plenty of reasons Akechi hasn't shown his items, even to his confidants. Others might follow the same line of thought.]
Providing a photo is bold, and something I doubt anyone else has gotten. These people don't shut up - word would have spread, intentional or not, had someone gotten something of that nature prior to now.
[ A lengthy silence. It weighs on him, how loose-lipped almost everyone here is. Not even for reasons of his own self-preservation anymore. Just general frustration over how careless many seem to be in both words and actions. He's grateful for Akechi in this matter above all others. ]
Who would you say that you trust here? If anyone. And that's any degree of trust you feel worth mentioning, not necessarily total trust.
[ It isn't a leading question. It's a genuine curiosity, and a tired one. ]
[That's a question. Pure, unadulterated reliance at any level is impossible. To be self-sufficient, survive and achieve goals - everyone needs to put their interests first.
His head tilts up to eye the stone ceiling.]
Did you know there's still a philosophical debate over the true meaning of what trust is and the extent society needs it? Socrates considered trust power in the soul, compliance given to a deity freely. Aristotle discussed it in matters of political gain, and in that sense, you could consider it the ability to deceive. Others think it's about reliance, optimism, entitlement to give and receive, as well as obligation to return and provide. Not to mention the acceptance of betrayal. Of consequences. Freedom sought in the lives of those around you.
[He can't help to think about the destroyed photo resting somewhere in Somnius. The network image isn't enough.
Irritating.]
Because it's complicated, I cannot say I trust anyone, even if it's fascinating to consider. I would highly suggest you take an opportunity to go over such a thought exercise. However-
[There are a few people he can consider reliable with aligning goals or have the potential to be exploited in his favor.]
If you were to ask me the people I have some degree of confidence in, that list is small and has its own set of caveats.
[Arms cross over his chest, one leg rests on the other and his eyes move down to be level with the table in front of them.
Aubrey. Eren. Izutsumi. Venat, for her pragmatic tendencies. Maki, strangely, because he predict her volatile reactions and exploit it accordingly and-
He turns his gaze to Maruki and-
That man is beyond his caveat filled list.
Something else entirely.]
But that's private information. If you think you're on that short list, you're not.
[ To be fair, it wasn't a simple question to begin with, but the answer it begets is uniquely complex.
Uniquely Akechi.
Nothing is ever easy with him. No thoughts are ever shallow, and no depths are ever unexplored. It's at least half of why Maruki took a liking to him so immediately. There is nothing less appealing to him than a literal thinker, or a surface-level one.
And then there's what he's sure is meant to be a dig at the end: Maruki, not on his list of people who have proven themselves worthy of a certain level of his confidence.
Maruki only smiles at him, warm and wide. ]
Don't worry. I know I'm not on that list.
[ They are going to carry one another through the twisted, shattered halls of this reality until they can emerge in the place and time that they were never supposed to leave – had to leave, to find one another. And they will remember. They've sworn to remember.
Of course Akechi trusts him. Maruki wasn't asking the question to hear his own name, or any other sort of confirmation. He already knows. ]
Jung had a spiritual relationship with trust that I've always found interesting. He asserted that rather than just thought or prayer, experience was the only way to build trust in god, and that the original word for "trust" in the Bible was mistranslated as "belief." I'm not religious in any way, but I think that same principle can be applied outside of its original context. I can only trust what I can experience directly, and I can only build trust in others by experiencing them fully.
[ He tips his head to the side, thoughtful. ]
I had an interesting conversation with BB recently about the nature of love and hate. She can only love humanity because she hates it just as much. I agreed with her – you can't know someone fully without knowing their flaws, and you certainly can't love someone without knowing enough to hate them too.
[ A pause, and then he shrugs. ]
It all ties together, for me.
[ Of course the person he trusts most is the one who has said and done the worst things imaginable to him. ]
Then again, I also have to come at it from the perspective of a counselor who inherently has to help others build up their trust in me. It can be a tool, like anything else. But it is a good thought exercise, you're right.
Is that so? I find it intriguing you would say that.
[A hint of amusement behind it. The comment an unintentional segue into a different topic entirely - one that's been on Akechi's mind for some time.
Maruki isn't the only one with questions.
A man who can only trust what he experiences. Only love what's known to have flaws. There's no solace in perfection.
Akechi can't agree - most people choose to paint up an image they want. Can't handle anything different from their perception. Can't handle a life outside of their control.
That reminds me of something you told me once - it's almost a contradiction to what you're stating now, but I suppose all humans are flawed that way. Even those that have the power of gods.
[A smile, a hand gesturing upwards, as if inviting him to rebuke it.]
'I wonder if my ability would work on you too. I wonder who you'd become.'
[ There are different versions of Tokyo. Subaru is from one. Kazuya, another. Nikolai Gogol even knows of his own. Infinite copies of the same place, different times. It's entirely possible that the Tokyo that he and Akechi know isn't entirely the same. Two acetate sheets overlaid, millimeters off from each other. Early June. Christmas Eve. It's possible. He's thought about it. He thinks about it constantly.
Perhaps there are other versions of Somnius, too.
Perhaps there's one in which he maintains the lie. Tries to convince Akechi that he imagined it. Tries to claim that he was just saying things to get under his skin. Plays dumb.
Or perhaps there's one where he simply refuses to answer. Akechi has certainly put hard stops on certain topics and told him no more questions would be answered on them. He could do the same. Is well within his rights to do the same.
Perhaps, in those versions of Somnius, he never bared almost all the worst parts of his soul in a gently glowing grove along a hiking path, under the steam of a bathhouse, in a circle of flickering lantern light. He kept it under his tongue. Never learned to trust anyone. Perhaps he's happier there. Or perhaps he's already gone off the deep end.
It doesn't matter.
Here, now– what's the point of lying, of obfuscating?
The walls are closing in. He's tired. He trusts Akechi.
Akechi, who has committed his own crimes against others' cognitions. Who will understand, to some extent – who will probably judge, but doesn't have a leg to stand on to do so. Who's just as rotten as him, at his core, and doesn't even try to force himself to be better than what he is.
Maruki looks at him. Shoulder to shoulder. Unguarded, as he only ever is in private. ]
That won't be necessary.
[ He stands. Moves to the entryway, to slip his shoes back on. Doesn't look back. ]
Walk with me and I'll tell you anything you want to know.
[ That is his only concession to his own innate desire to run away from the truth. He won't. He'll face it. But not here. Not in this place, where anyone who happens to be home can overhear. Not in one of the two safe havens that he has. Out under the open sky. Where he first put Azathoth's mettle to the test, god against god; where he wandered with Akechi in search of a target; where he sat in the palm of a Titan and saw the world from a new perspective. As free as a person can be in a suffocating reality like this. ]
[A battle wasn't going to happen - Loki hums in his chest anyway. Both of them too raw from the recent experience. Akechi a notch under top form, and therefore it's unacceptable. Maruki always able to maintain his stamina and recover at a speed that feels -
Dangerous.
This conversation has the same cadence. Same tone. It's a thrall for a person like Akechi and he doesn't hesitate to push himself up from a couch he's been in for hours. Slide phone in pocket, book between the cushions so Oona doesn't fuck off with it.
Maruki wants to leave, so he follows.
There's something to having a conversation illuminated by only the light of vending machines, dimly lit alleyway lights.
It's not the same, but it's close. Comforting. Only cicadas, the hum of electricity and the occasional tire against pavement to hear sordid conversations, candid discussions, thinly veiled secrets as dim as the lights in an old storefront.
Akechi wants to tell him it won't matter where they talk - there's no privacy. Nothing. A city of millions felt safer than a town of 50.
Shoes on, door shut behind them. One, two, three, four - an extensive amount of time staking their claim to a muddy trail before Akechi speaks up.]
[ Maruki knows well that true privacy doesn't exist in Somnius. He's under no delusion that it does. He simply thinks that if they have this conversation anywhere but out in the open air, he'll suffocate.
A laugh bursts out of him, short and mirthless, at what finally breaks the silence. ]
Yes, actually. It doesn't work on me.
[ His hands in his pockets feel clammy. Pinpricks of dread all up and down his nerves. He doesn't know where they're walking. Toward the lake, maybe. Where his secrets began unraveling around Akechi against his will.
Maruki doesn't look over at him. Keeps his gaze trained forward, voice steady. Quiet. ]
Like you, I have the ability to alter another's cognition. But not my own. That's part of why I was so shocked by what happened to you.
[ The other part, of course, was the targeted homicidal rampage. ]
Akechi gleaned that much from ruminating over the words - the comment made in a frenzy of anger. The closet he's ever seen Maruki come to spewing out anything bitter and vile.
It's what he prefers, anyway. Seek the truth, even when it's rotten. Reap what you sow. False platitudes are meaningless and Maruki fought with everything he had, with every weapon at his disposal and-
A counselor's power is in their words, after all.
But the admission - a verbal confirmation - that Azathoth can do more is sobering in its reveal. It doesn't work one me being the one notable flaw. A weakness in some tentacles.
It's not enough. It's unlike anything the cognitive world has ever seen. Ever will see.
Maruki could truly wreck havoc in there. Akechi-
Doesn't give a shit if he does. Stay within the time limit. Don't fuck around before he's completed his goal. Abide by imaginary rules set up on the fly and live until its no longer possible.]
[ He hates this. He hates this. He hates this. He hates this. He hates this. He hates this.
The words force themselves out from between grit teeth. ]
It has to do with addressing emotional wounds. Please contain your shock.
[ A sharp left. They're definitely heading for the lake now. To do what? Maruki doesn't know. Skip stones. Throw himself in. Every muscle in his body seethes with tension. ]
Azathoth has the ability to understand what would make a person happiest. Give them their ideal life, so to speak. Alleviate the source of pain holding them back. Whatever you want to call it. But it isn't the same as a change of heart. Nothing gets taken away. It's more like–
[ Stomach lurching, vision swimming. He stays perfectly upright, doesn't falter for a single step, doesn't slow his pace. Doesn't look at Akechi.
It's more like– ]
Granting a wish.
[ A sharp exhale, another mirthless laugh. ]
Do you remember when I told you how crazy I felt, arriving here right after it manifested? Thinking that I made it up in my own head? That wasn't the half of it. I arrived in a place contingent on wishes being granted. It was– well, you can imagine.
[ Has he ever sounded this angry around Akechi when it wasn't directed at him? He can't feel his hands in his pockets anymore, crammed so deeply, fists clenched so hard. He doesn't know what he's mad at. Himself. This reality. Any reality. ]
With persona - the abilities vary. Special ones, normal ones - everything dependent on the user's will, the manifestation of their rebellion, a driving force. Fire, Bless, Curse, Ice. Some people can do more - pull a cognition into temporary madness, change a heart, pull out mask after mask after mask.
Granting a wish. Grant an ideal life. Grant what makes someone happiest based on -
What?
His pace doesn't relent - side by side. Shoulder to shoulder. Silent. His peripheral vision catches the barest hint of Maruki's movements. Irate. Pressed into himself.
Akechi is-
Furious.
A wish granting power in a reality distorted by it. They've spent months speaking of cognitions and wishes, contracts and debts. Every secret peeled from Maruki through forced hands or volatile interactions. Nothing comes for free - not even this. Maruki is a liar, but this isn't one.
And his mind wanders - a world distorted by those in it. A temporary connection to Vaeros. Impossible connection, because the world existed long before them. Long before Maruki's awakening. Time and space is malleable, but it's a piss poor connection at best. Noted.
Grant wishes. Grant desires. Give an ideal life. A power meant to test on a wayward gelfling with a look in his eyes that didn't seem like his generously wanted to address those emotional wounds. He looked like-
Akechi, in a way. Twisted and covered in rot. Grant a wish - like Vaeros who will grant a wish.
The shitty comment of who you would become and-
He's furious.]
I see.
[Is all he musters out - half consumed by thought and theory, the other with a desire to-]
Try it.
[And there is no wish - nothing in his heart to grasp. Shido is his alone. Azathoth will never find it brewing beneath barb and an undercurrent of unwavering hatred.]
It didn't work on the sacks of shit here, but let's see what that power feels like on someone who can fight back. An ability to rival our supposed wish granting captor - I have to admit, I'm curious. Maybe you're meant to dethrone and take his place.
[Pure, unrelenting fury.]
You can't change me - no one can. I have no pain to take and no ideal world to create, so don't worry about it actually succeeding. As you said - our powers may not be equal, but neither is our will.
[And Loki is strong because Akechi is strong. Robin Hood is weak because Akechi is strong.
Akechi's resolve is stronger than Maruki's will ever be.]
[ Immediate. Unrelenting. Just as furious as Akechi is.
Maruki stops dead on the path, turns to face him. ]
No, and you won't goad me into it. I won't ever. Not on anyone.
[ There is–
A moment. He feels it in his veins. Crawling down the back of his neck, thick and slow and golden-warm-bright as honey. He'd felt it when Eren begged to be freed from this place. Had resisted the urge. Felt it when they cornered that gelfling. Hadn't. It hadn't worked. He doesn't know why he can still feel it if it doesn't work, but it's there, a cosmic power unlike the primordial chaos he feels from Azathoth's attacks glowing in every cell of his body. Is it Azathoth's power, or is it his? Is there an appreciable difference? Does it matter?
He draws a breath that stutters. He can't make Akechi understand this without revealing so much. Too much. This isn't a bathhouse with an undercurrent of empathetic care. This is the middle of a dirt path under a darkening sky with someone who looks and sounds like he'd gladly try to kill him once more, and Maruki's heart wrenches in his chest with the desire to simply be heard.
Another breath. Forced inhale, hold, exhale, hold. He brings his hands out of his pockets, puts them in front of his chest, palms down. ]
I don't want to change you. I've told you that. I meant it. There are risks inherent in this power, and they are not ones I would ever– ever take on you. Akechi.
[ The first was accidental. Rumi forgot him. The second was intentional. Yoshizawa didn't. He doesn't know if it makes a difference, if it's random, if it's dependent on the desire, if– he doesn't know. Won't chance it. Won't ever.
Inhale. Hold. Exhale. Hold. He shakes his head, fringe flopping across his face, voice strained. ]
I won't. Can I please just talk to you about it. Please.
[Akechi's words draw a new blade from Maruki's arsenal - a sharp tone so furious he's certain the words came out of his lips and not the man staring him down.
There's a struggle. Hands raised. Breath drawn. Words stated with intent and resolve that Akechi would love to crack between his palms. No would turn into Fine the second Loki came out and he was caught up in its thrall. I don't want to change you would turn into Fine if he kills that tentacle again and again and again, gouges out his eyes for good and-
Can I please just talk to you about it. Please.
Pleading. Different than the erratic static filled whispers of shadows. From the weeping, simpering messes that Shido painted bullseyes on.
It's not the kind of mess he enjoys. Nothing he thrives in. It's not the panicked whispers and begging he likes.
Akechi stands there - resolute in his own right. Loki doesn't appear. Robin Hood doesn't either. No weapon drawn - only two hands resting against his sides, like he's the most relaxed person in the world despite the permanent tension coating him.
Breathing. Pleading. This isn't the norm. It's different.
Pleading, in a voice that almost sounds like a child tugging on the hem of a woman's dress, begging to see a missing mother. Ignored. Redirected. Unheard.
Pleading, in a voice that's doing everything in its power to reach out because there's so little left of him remaining. It never leaves lips. Settles there. Words ready to tumble, but tied back with scripts not meant for TV. Pleading - he can't do this with a gun held to a woman's head. A gun held to a boy's skull.
He doesn't care. The man's an adult - a life spent unheard is his problem alone. Stuck in an empty apartment, grief apparent and blanketing, but not consuming and destroying. It's his fault. He doesn't care.
That power is such a goddamn joke.
He doesn't inhale. Exhale. Do anything different other than count each of Maruki's fingers - ten splintered lines across a corrupted, distorted heart.]
He's allowed the opportunity to speak, to say what needs to be said, what has never been said, never, not to Shibusawa, not to Akira, not to anyone, not until now, and–
The words spill forth with hushed, pained, raging conviction that only grows stronger the longer he goes on. ]
Rumi.
[ I was going through a lot at the time, and I had a bit of a breakdown. I cried out for help. ]
I became aware of this power when I inadvertently used it on Rumi.
[ The woman you saw. Azathoth's voice first made itself known to me on the day that I lost her. ]
Her mind and heart were broken. They had been for months. She wasn't functional, she didn't want to live. There was no way out. I was going to lose her no matter what. I heard its voice, and I begged it to help me put an end to Rumi's suffering.
[ She would be proud of you and what you've accomplished, but not for the reasons you think. ]
I didn't know what would happen. I didn't know how it worked. I only knew that I wanted to use what I had learned about cognitive psience to heal everyone's emotional wounds, and that I had never seen someone in as much pain as her.
[ You are strong. Facing pain is difficult, but necessary. You've shown you can handle almost anything thrown at you. It's an admirable quality that you've grown into and it's impressed me.
It was as if her parents' murder never occurred. She believed that they died when she was too young to remember them, and that she'd grown up without them all her life. She was in the hospital because she'd been sickly since birth, not because of her mental state. And she was– fine. Healed. Happy. And she didn't remember me. Not at all.
[ If only Rumi could see you now, with such a powerful gift, she -
I saved her, and I lost her. I walked out of that room, and–
[ You failed her and now her life is in shatters. ]
And I was glad that she had a second chance at a happy life that she never would have gotten. But I was lost. For years. I think I was lost until the day I arrived here. Still, though... If given the chance to change what I did, Akechi, I wouldn't. I would make the same choice again, and again, and again.
[ I only understand the extent and repercussions of this power because of what we've discussed here. ]
But I know better now. I know how dangerous this is. How dangerous I am. I can't change what I've done, and I never would. I can only change what I do going forward.
[ In the end, we have to live with the choices we make. ]
I can feel it. I know I have the ability. It didn't work once, but I'm not going to risk trying it on anyone else. Not on gelflings, not on goblins, not on dreamers, and not on you. Never again. Not until I get to Vaeros and use it to rip his own reality to shreds right before his eyes.
[ He stops.
Breathes.
Flexes the hands clenched at his sides.
If Akechi chooses to fight him after this, Maruki will put him in the goddamn ground before Loki can even finish taking shape. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ That rage, when directed appropriately, is a tool. But the kneejerk reactions– those are a problem.
Head tipped to the other side. Biiiiiig stretch. ]
Don't worry. She assured me that it wasn't supernatural in nature, so it was fine to destroy. I didn't bother pointing out that she had no way to verify the nature of the item at all. I had to pick my battles.
no subject
[Right. Of course.
He moves his legs off the couch - sits up to give Maruki space if he wants to enjoy a nice Big Sit.]
There's no sense in dwelling on it - that won't bring it back. The next time anyone gets an item like that, we can make efforts to secure it appropriately.
no subject
He unfolds his arms to hold both hands out in front of him, palms up. A silent gesture of See? You get it.
And then his hands slap down against his sides as he drops his arms and does indeed join Akechi for a Big Sit. ]
I did suggest that she try making the same wish again to see what results it produces. I don't have much hope, but she agreed to give me the photo if she receives another one. But yes, going forward, we ought to do that. Or at the very least, teach people how to properly handle evidence.
[ Lil side eye. Detective. ]
no subject
Oh Aubrey.
He slouches forward and refuses to meet Maruki's eyes at last comment.]
I'm not suited for teaching. I've told you this, however-
[This cannot happen again. The odds of them getting a second picture is minimal. The ratios skew worse the more he thinks about it - a complete duplicate out of the question. Copies bring their own set of problems.]
This is a special situation and once I get my thoughts sorted on the matter, I'll provide instruction to some.
[Aubrey. Eren. Izutsumi, maybe.
A long pause. He still doesn't meet Maruki's gaze and-]
For the record, I also have a piece of potential evidence in my room. I got it the first week or so I arrived here.
[The second piece? Lost to the fuckin ocean. Maruki doesn't need to know that.]
I told Aubrey I lost it.
no subject
[ He really does. Even when Akechi isn't faking nice, he's clear in his instructions and skilled at observing what a person needs to work on. Maruki has trained enough with him to know this very well. He's even strangely encouraging, if someone truly puts in the work.
Of course, a lecture on proper evidence handling is different than that, but the point stands. It needed to be said. But more importantly– ]
Also– Is that so?
[ It's fine. He mirrors Akechi in the opposite direction, slouching back into the plush cushions, no less irritated by the day's events but relaxed and curious. ]
Did you get it from making a wish too?
no subject
But now -
He has to explain the pants.]
I did my own experiment when I arrived. I asked the crystal for information on Vaeros, given no one else had attempted to do so to my knowledge. Naturally, I was expecting nothing. It was to check off a box, so to speak.
[BUT HE GOT SOMETHING. THREE SOMETHINGS.]
However - I received a pair of pants and hand drawn picture directing me to the library.
[Picture? Long gone. Codpiece? Dead to him. Pants? Nearly given to Li Lianhua's dog, before Akechi decided to add him to his metaphorical Loathe List.]
The implication being that the pants belonged to him.
no subject
You have Vaeros' pants in your bedroom.
[ ...
: ) ]
And a moon statue? How unlucky can one guy get...
no subject
Akechi throws up an irritated hand in a dramatic display of displeasure, before leaning back against the couch.]
Nothing about either situation has bothered me. Lucky or not, the fact is we are receiving items from those in control. Given how ridiculous they are, it's obvious we're being toyed with. That is the maddening part.
no subject
Are there any others that you know of who received items?
no subject
[Or they are and don't have a clue what to do with it. Don't trust others to handle it. There are plenty of reasons Akechi hasn't shown his items, even to his confidants. Others might follow the same line of thought.]
Providing a photo is bold, and something I doubt anyone else has gotten. These people don't shut up - word would have spread, intentional or not, had someone gotten something of that nature prior to now.
no subject
[ A lengthy silence. It weighs on him, how loose-lipped almost everyone here is. Not even for reasons of his own self-preservation anymore. Just general frustration over how careless many seem to be in both words and actions. He's grateful for Akechi in this matter above all others. ]
Who would you say that you trust here? If anyone. And that's any degree of trust you feel worth mentioning, not necessarily total trust.
[ It isn't a leading question. It's a genuine curiosity, and a tired one. ]
no subject
[That's a question. Pure, unadulterated reliance at any level is impossible. To be self-sufficient, survive and achieve goals - everyone needs to put their interests first.
His head tilts up to eye the stone ceiling.]
Did you know there's still a philosophical debate over the true meaning of what trust is and the extent society needs it? Socrates considered trust power in the soul, compliance given to a deity freely. Aristotle discussed it in matters of political gain, and in that sense, you could consider it the ability to deceive. Others think it's about reliance, optimism, entitlement to give and receive, as well as obligation to return and provide. Not to mention the acceptance of betrayal. Of consequences. Freedom sought in the lives of those around you.
[He can't help to think about the destroyed photo resting somewhere in Somnius. The network image isn't enough.
Irritating.]
Because it's complicated, I cannot say I trust anyone, even if it's fascinating to consider. I would highly suggest you take an opportunity to go over such a thought exercise. However-
[There are a few people he can consider reliable with aligning goals or have the potential to be exploited in his favor.]
If you were to ask me the people I have some degree of confidence in, that list is small and has its own set of caveats.
[Arms cross over his chest, one leg rests on the other and his eyes move down to be level with the table in front of them.
Aubrey. Eren. Izutsumi. Venat, for her pragmatic tendencies. Maki, strangely, because he predict her volatile reactions and exploit it accordingly and-
He turns his gaze to Maruki and-
That man is beyond his caveat filled list.
Something else entirely.]
But that's private information. If you think you're on that short list, you're not.
no subject
Uniquely Akechi.
Nothing is ever easy with him. No thoughts are ever shallow, and no depths are ever unexplored. It's at least half of why Maruki took a liking to him so immediately. There is nothing less appealing to him than a literal thinker, or a surface-level one.
And then there's what he's sure is meant to be a dig at the end: Maruki, not on his list of people who have proven themselves worthy of a certain level of his confidence.
Maruki only smiles at him, warm and wide. ]
Don't worry. I know I'm not on that list.
[ They are going to carry one another through the twisted, shattered halls of this reality until they can emerge in the place and time that they were never supposed to leave – had to leave, to find one another. And they will remember. They've sworn to remember.
Of course Akechi trusts him. Maruki wasn't asking the question to hear his own name, or any other sort of confirmation. He already knows. ]
Jung had a spiritual relationship with trust that I've always found interesting. He asserted that rather than just thought or prayer, experience was the only way to build trust in god, and that the original word for "trust" in the Bible was mistranslated as "belief." I'm not religious in any way, but I think that same principle can be applied outside of its original context. I can only trust what I can experience directly, and I can only build trust in others by experiencing them fully.
[ He tips his head to the side, thoughtful. ]
I had an interesting conversation with BB recently about the nature of love and hate. She can only love humanity because she hates it just as much. I agreed with her – you can't know someone fully without knowing their flaws, and you certainly can't love someone without knowing enough to hate them too.
[ A pause, and then he shrugs. ]
It all ties together, for me.
[ Of course the person he trusts most is the one who has said and done the worst things imaginable to him. ]
Then again, I also have to come at it from the perspective of a counselor who inherently has to help others build up their trust in me. It can be a tool, like anything else. But it is a good thought exercise, you're right.
no subject
[A hint of amusement behind it. The comment an unintentional segue into a different topic entirely - one that's been on Akechi's mind for some time.
Maruki isn't the only one with questions.
A man who can only trust what he experiences. Only love what's known to have flaws. There's no solace in perfection.
Akechi can't agree - most people choose to paint up an image they want. Can't handle anything different from their perception. Can't handle a life outside of their control.
Maruki thrives regardless - Akechi pushes, Maruki stays. Akechi attacks, Maruki defends. Akechi destroys, Maruki rebuilds. It's pathetic.
Fascinating.
Bizarre and foreign and-]
That reminds me of something you told me once - it's almost a contradiction to what you're stating now, but I suppose all humans are flawed that way. Even those that have the power of gods.
[A smile, a hand gesturing upwards, as if inviting him to rebuke it.]
'I wonder if my ability would work on you too. I wonder who you'd become.'
this is all you get
Huh. That's interesting.
[ Akechi wasn't supposed to remember that. ]
When did I say a thing like that?
: )
[So rarely is Maruki on guard like this. It-
Interests him. Deeply. An offhand comment he remembered because Loki is a part of him. Loki doesn't control him.
Akechi was infused with the thrall of bloodlust and battle. Maruki had his own demons mixed in.]
If you're having difficulty recalling it, they say reenacting a scene can jog a person's memory.
no subject
Perhaps there are other versions of Somnius, too.
Perhaps there's one in which he maintains the lie. Tries to convince Akechi that he imagined it. Tries to claim that he was just saying things to get under his skin. Plays dumb.
Or perhaps there's one where he simply refuses to answer. Akechi has certainly put hard stops on certain topics and told him no more questions would be answered on them. He could do the same. Is well within his rights to do the same.
Perhaps, in those versions of Somnius, he never bared almost all the worst parts of his soul in a gently glowing grove along a hiking path, under the steam of a bathhouse, in a circle of flickering lantern light. He kept it under his tongue. Never learned to trust anyone. Perhaps he's happier there. Or perhaps he's already gone off the deep end.
It doesn't matter.
Here, now– what's the point of lying, of obfuscating?
The walls are closing in. He's tired. He trusts Akechi.
Akechi, who has committed his own crimes against others' cognitions. Who will understand, to some extent – who will probably judge, but doesn't have a leg to stand on to do so. Who's just as rotten as him, at his core, and doesn't even try to force himself to be better than what he is.
Maruki looks at him. Shoulder to shoulder. Unguarded, as he only ever is in private. ]
That won't be necessary.
[ He stands. Moves to the entryway, to slip his shoes back on. Doesn't look back. ]
Walk with me and I'll tell you anything you want to know.
[ That is his only concession to his own innate desire to run away from the truth. He won't. He'll face it. But not here. Not in this place, where anyone who happens to be home can overhear. Not in one of the two safe havens that he has. Out under the open sky. Where he first put Azathoth's mettle to the test, god against god; where he wandered with Akechi in search of a target; where he sat in the palm of a Titan and saw the world from a new perspective. As free as a person can be in a suffocating reality like this. ]
no subject
Dangerous.
This conversation has the same cadence. Same tone. It's a thrall for a person like Akechi and he doesn't hesitate to push himself up from a couch he's been in for hours. Slide phone in pocket, book between the cushions so Oona doesn't fuck off with it.
Maruki wants to leave, so he follows.
There's something to having a conversation illuminated by only the light of vending machines, dimly lit alleyway lights.
It's not the same, but it's close. Comforting. Only cicadas, the hum of electricity and the occasional tire against pavement to hear sordid conversations, candid discussions, thinly veiled secrets as dim as the lights in an old storefront.
Akechi wants to tell him it won't matter where they talk - there's no privacy. Nothing. A city of millions felt safer than a town of 50.
Shoes on, door shut behind them. One, two, three, four - an extensive amount of time staking their claim to a muddy trail before Akechi speaks up.]
Is there anything your goddamn persona can't do?
no subject
A laugh bursts out of him, short and mirthless, at what finally breaks the silence. ]
Yes, actually. It doesn't work on me.
[ His hands in his pockets feel clammy. Pinpricks of dread all up and down his nerves. He doesn't know where they're walking. Toward the lake, maybe. Where his secrets began unraveling around Akechi against his will.
Maruki doesn't look over at him. Keeps his gaze trained forward, voice steady. Quiet. ]
Like you, I have the ability to alter another's cognition. But not my own. That's part of why I was so shocked by what happened to you.
[ The other part, of course, was the targeted homicidal rampage. ]
no subject
Akechi gleaned that much from ruminating over the words - the comment made in a frenzy of anger. The closet he's ever seen Maruki come to spewing out anything bitter and vile.
It's what he prefers, anyway. Seek the truth, even when it's rotten. Reap what you sow. False platitudes are meaningless and Maruki fought with everything he had, with every weapon at his disposal and-
A counselor's power is in their words, after all.
But the admission - a verbal confirmation - that Azathoth can do more is sobering in its reveal. It doesn't work one me being the one notable flaw. A weakness in some tentacles.
It's not enough. It's unlike anything the cognitive world has ever seen. Ever will see.
Maruki could truly wreck havoc in there. Akechi-
Doesn't give a shit if he does. Stay within the time limit. Don't fuck around before he's completed his goal. Abide by imaginary rules set up on the fly and live until its no longer possible.]
Explain it to me.
no subject
The words force themselves out from between grit teeth. ]
It has to do with addressing emotional wounds. Please contain your shock.
[ A sharp left. They're definitely heading for the lake now. To do what? Maruki doesn't know. Skip stones. Throw himself in. Every muscle in his body seethes with tension. ]
Azathoth has the ability to understand what would make a person happiest. Give them their ideal life, so to speak. Alleviate the source of pain holding them back. Whatever you want to call it. But it isn't the same as a change of heart. Nothing gets taken away. It's more like–
[ Stomach lurching, vision swimming. He stays perfectly upright, doesn't falter for a single step, doesn't slow his pace. Doesn't look at Akechi.
It's more like– ]
Granting a wish.
[ A sharp exhale, another mirthless laugh. ]
Do you remember when I told you how crazy I felt, arriving here right after it manifested? Thinking that I made it up in my own head? That wasn't the half of it. I arrived in a place contingent on wishes being granted. It was– well, you can imagine.
[ Has he ever sounded this angry around Akechi when it wasn't directed at him? He can't feel his hands in his pockets anymore, crammed so deeply, fists clenched so hard. He doesn't know what he's mad at. Himself. This reality. Any reality. ]
no subject
With persona - the abilities vary. Special ones, normal ones - everything dependent on the user's will, the manifestation of their rebellion, a driving force. Fire, Bless, Curse, Ice. Some people can do more - pull a cognition into temporary madness, change a heart, pull out mask after mask after mask.
Granting a wish. Grant an ideal life. Grant what makes someone happiest based on -
What?
His pace doesn't relent - side by side. Shoulder to shoulder. Silent. His peripheral vision catches the barest hint of Maruki's movements. Irate. Pressed into himself.
Akechi is-
Furious.
A wish granting power in a reality distorted by it. They've spent months speaking of cognitions and wishes, contracts and debts. Every secret peeled from Maruki through forced hands or volatile interactions. Nothing comes for free - not even this. Maruki is a liar, but this isn't one.
And his mind wanders - a world distorted by those in it. A temporary connection to Vaeros. Impossible connection, because the world existed long before them. Long before Maruki's awakening. Time and space is malleable, but it's a piss poor connection at best. Noted.
Grant wishes. Grant desires. Give an ideal life. A power meant to test on a wayward gelfling with a look in his eyes that didn't seem like his generously wanted to address those emotional wounds. He looked like-
Akechi, in a way. Twisted and covered in rot. Grant a wish - like Vaeros who will grant a wish.
The shitty comment of who you would become and-
He's furious.]
I see.
[Is all he musters out - half consumed by thought and theory, the other with a desire to-]
Try it.
[And there is no wish - nothing in his heart to grasp. Shido is his alone. Azathoth will never find it brewing beneath barb and an undercurrent of unwavering hatred.]
It didn't work on the sacks of shit here, but let's see what that power feels like on someone who can fight back. An ability to rival our supposed wish granting captor - I have to admit, I'm curious. Maybe you're meant to dethrone and take his place.
[Pure, unrelenting fury.]
You can't change me - no one can. I have no pain to take and no ideal world to create, so don't worry about it actually succeeding. As you said - our powers may not be equal, but neither is our will.
[And Loki is strong because Akechi is strong. Robin Hood is weak because Akechi is strong.
Akechi's resolve is stronger than Maruki's will ever be.]
no subject
[ Immediate. Unrelenting. Just as furious as Akechi is.
Maruki stops dead on the path, turns to face him. ]
No, and you won't goad me into it. I won't ever. Not on anyone.
[ There is–
A moment. He feels it in his veins. Crawling down the back of his neck, thick and slow and golden-warm-bright as honey. He'd felt it when Eren begged to be freed from this place. Had resisted the urge. Felt it when they cornered that gelfling. Hadn't. It hadn't worked. He doesn't know why he can still feel it if it doesn't work, but it's there, a cosmic power unlike the primordial chaos he feels from Azathoth's attacks glowing in every cell of his body. Is it Azathoth's power, or is it his? Is there an appreciable difference? Does it matter?
He draws a breath that stutters. He can't make Akechi understand this without revealing so much. Too much. This isn't a bathhouse with an undercurrent of empathetic care. This is the middle of a dirt path under a darkening sky with someone who looks and sounds like he'd gladly try to kill him once more, and Maruki's heart wrenches in his chest with the desire to simply be heard.
Another breath. Forced inhale, hold, exhale, hold. He brings his hands out of his pockets, puts them in front of his chest, palms down. ]
I don't want to change you. I've told you that. I meant it. There are risks inherent in this power, and they are not ones I would ever– ever take on you. Akechi.
[ The first was accidental. Rumi forgot him. The second was intentional. Yoshizawa didn't. He doesn't know if it makes a difference, if it's random, if it's dependent on the desire, if– he doesn't know. Won't chance it. Won't ever.
Inhale. Hold. Exhale. Hold. He shakes his head, fringe flopping across his face, voice strained. ]
I won't. Can I please just talk to you about it. Please.
cw: violent thoughts, murder
There's a struggle. Hands raised. Breath drawn. Words stated with intent and resolve that Akechi would love to crack between his palms. No would turn into Fine the second Loki came out and he was caught up in its thrall. I don't want to change you would turn into Fine if he kills that tentacle again and again and again, gouges out his eyes for good and-
Can I please just talk to you about it. Please.
Pleading. Different than the erratic static filled whispers of shadows. From the weeping, simpering messes that Shido painted bullseyes on.
It's not the kind of mess he enjoys. Nothing he thrives in. It's not the panicked whispers and begging he likes.
Akechi stands there - resolute in his own right. Loki doesn't appear. Robin Hood doesn't either. No weapon drawn - only two hands resting against his sides, like he's the most relaxed person in the world despite the permanent tension coating him.
Breathing. Pleading. This isn't the norm. It's different.
Pleading, in a voice that almost sounds like a child tugging on the hem of a woman's dress, begging to see a missing mother. Ignored. Redirected. Unheard.
Pleading, in a voice that's doing everything in its power to reach out because there's so little left of him remaining. It never leaves lips. Settles there. Words ready to tumble, but tied back with scripts not meant for TV. Pleading - he can't do this with a gun held to a woman's head. A gun held to a boy's skull.
He doesn't care. The man's an adult - a life spent unheard is his problem alone. Stuck in an empty apartment, grief apparent and blanketing, but not consuming and destroying. It's his fault. He doesn't care.
That power is such a goddamn joke.
He doesn't inhale. Exhale. Do anything different other than count each of Maruki's fingers - ten splintered lines across a corrupted, distorted heart.]
Fine - then talk.
cw brainwashing
It's the most chilling fear.
He's allowed the opportunity to speak, to say what needs to be said, what has never been said, never, not to Shibusawa, not to Akira, not to anyone, not until now, and–
The words spill forth with hushed, pained, raging conviction that only grows stronger the longer he goes on. ]
Rumi.
[ I was going through a lot at the time, and I had a bit of a breakdown. I cried out for help. ]
I became aware of this power when I inadvertently used it on Rumi.
[ The woman you saw. Azathoth's voice first made itself known to me on the day that I lost her. ]
Her mind and heart were broken. They had been for months. She wasn't functional, she didn't want to live. There was no way out. I was going to lose her no matter what. I heard its voice, and I begged it to help me put an end to Rumi's suffering.
[ She would be proud of you and what you've accomplished, but not for the reasons you think. ]
I didn't know what would happen. I didn't know how it worked. I only knew that I wanted to use what I had learned about cognitive psience to heal everyone's emotional wounds, and that I had never seen someone in as much pain as her.
[ You are strong. Facing pain is difficult, but necessary. You've shown you can handle almost anything thrown at you. It's an admirable quality that you've grown into and it's impressed me.
Rumi would be impressed too. ]
It was as if her parents' murder never occurred. She believed that they died when she was too young to remember them, and that she'd grown up without them all her life. She was in the hospital because she'd been sickly since birth, not because of her mental state. And she was– fine. Healed. Happy. And she didn't remember me. Not at all.
[ If only Rumi could see you now, with such a powerful gift, she -
Oh, she wouldn't even recognize you, would she? ]
I saved her, and I lost her. I walked out of that room, and–
[ You failed her and now her life is in shatters. ]
And I was glad that she had a second chance at a happy life that she never would have gotten. But I was lost. For years. I think I was lost until the day I arrived here. Still, though... If given the chance to change what I did, Akechi, I wouldn't. I would make the same choice again, and again, and again.
[ I only understand the extent and repercussions of this power because of what we've discussed here. ]
But I know better now. I know how dangerous this is. How dangerous I am. I can't change what I've done, and I never would. I can only change what I do going forward.
[ In the end, we have to live with the choices we make. ]
I can feel it. I know I have the ability. It didn't work once, but I'm not going to risk trying it on anyone else. Not on gelflings, not on goblins, not on dreamers, and not on you. Never again. Not until I get to Vaeros and use it to rip his own reality to shreds right before his eyes.
[ He stops.
Breathes.
Flexes the hands clenched at his sides.
If Akechi chooses to fight him after this, Maruki will put him in the goddamn ground before Loki can even finish taking shape. ]
cw: graphic violence, brainwashing
(no subject)
(no subject)
ƎpNOW Ǝ˥ YOURSELF YOU RAT BASTARD
no 💗
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
1/2
(no subject)
(no subject)