One of the most frustrating aspects of being here is having to explain why I do what I do. I don't begrudge people asking at all - we've discussed before how refreshing it is to see people actively questioning what's in front of them rather than trusting blindly. I get why they ask.
But to your earlier point, I never know how to answer in a way that will make sense for them. When something is so integral to who you are, how do you explain it in words?
I don't have to explain it to you. You saw my memory, you heard the story, and you know how Azathoth came to me. You understand why I want to help people, as well as anyone outside of my own head could understand it.
I don't think it's noble. It's actually... rather selfish. My desire to help others is just as much to soothe myself as it is to soothe them.
That's not something I would have admitted when I first arrived here and began counseling in dreams and being questioned for it. That's definitely not something I would have admitted if asked back in our true reality. Not because I wanted to appear so selfless, but because it meant admitting that I was in pain too.
Stupid, right? I'm a grown man. The fact that I've been so afraid of acknowledging my own suffering for so long is shameful.
You changed that.
Not only you, to be fair, but... well, I'd be a liar if I said you weren't a huge part of it.
I don't profess to know you well. But in the time I have known you, we've been through a lot, and I've never seen you back down or run away from anything. No matter how frightening, or dangerous, or painful it is. You accept the consequences of every fight you enter, literal or otherwise, and you don't try to hide from them.
That's the kind of person I always wanted to be. I didn't realize that it meant facing my own pain instead of burying it. I do now, because you showed me even if you didn't mean to, and it's something I try to work on every day.
I'm a different person for having known you, and I'm incredibly lucky for it. You've helped me. I've hopefully helped you. We're allies. It's not sentimental, it's a simple fact.
I guess... in the end, it's like I said before: I'm glad you're here.
no subject
But to your earlier point, I never know how to answer in a way that will make sense for them. When something is so integral to who you are, how do you explain it in words?
I don't have to explain it to you. You saw my memory, you heard the story, and you know how Azathoth came to me. You understand why I want to help people, as well as anyone outside of my own head could understand it.
I don't think it's noble. It's actually... rather selfish. My desire to help others is just as much to soothe myself as it is to soothe them.
That's not something I would have admitted when I first arrived here and began counseling in dreams and being questioned for it. That's definitely not something I would have admitted if asked back in our true reality. Not because I wanted to appear so selfless, but because it meant admitting that I was in pain too.
Stupid, right? I'm a grown man. The fact that I've been so afraid of acknowledging my own suffering for so long is shameful.
You changed that.
Not only you, to be fair, but... well, I'd be a liar if I said you weren't a huge part of it.
I don't profess to know you well. But in the time I have known you, we've been through a lot, and I've never seen you back down or run away from anything. No matter how frightening, or dangerous, or painful it is. You accept the consequences of every fight you enter, literal or otherwise, and you don't try to hide from them.
That's the kind of person I always wanted to be. I didn't realize that it meant facing my own pain instead of burying it. I do now, because you showed me even if you didn't mean to, and it's something I try to work on every day.
I'm a different person for having known you, and I'm incredibly lucky for it. You've helped me. I've hopefully helped you. We're allies. It's not sentimental, it's a simple fact.
I guess... in the end, it's like I said before: I'm glad you're here.